If you’re someone who doesn’t like conflict and would prefer to hide or run from it, you’re not alone. Many of us grew up in environments where conflict felt unsafe, unpredictable or pointless. As a result, avoiding it can feel like the safest option. You might find yourself staying quiet, changing the subject, or agreeing just to keep the peace; even when something doesn’t feel right.
While this strategy perhaps worked in the past or might still offer short-term relief, it often leads to long-term disconnection, resentment, or unmet needs. The good news is that conflict doesn’t have to be combative or damaging. It is actually normal and healthy to have conflict in any relationship. We are unique beings with unique needs – it is understandable that we will have clashing value systems, perspectives, and needs.
It’s not the presence of conflict that defines how strong our relationships are, but rather how we move through it.
Here are four ways how we might approach conflict:
1. Considering that both perspectives are right
When we are in the midst of a conflict, considering that both perspectives might be right is often the last thing we think about.
The thing is, conflicts can become stuck when we feel we must prove we are right or protect ourselves from being misunderstood.
In these moments, our bodies often respond by going into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. These are natural survival responses: we might argue or defend ourselves (fight), withdraw or shut down (freeze), avoid the issue (flight), or try to appease the other person while silencing our own needs (fawn).
When we’re focused on staying safe from judgment or rejection, we can become more rigid in our thinking and responses. It might feel as though there’s only one right answer—our own—or only one version of reality. This limits us from seeing other options.
Holding the possibility that both perspectives are valid can gently bring us into the present moment and ease our defences.
2. Tolerating the discomfort
When conflict gets uncomfortable, many of us want to wrap it up quickly; we might want to jump in and fix it fast or avoid it altogether. It may be helpful to remeber that moving through a conflict takes time (whether it is resolved or managed). It’s okay if resolution doesn’t happen in a single conversation. Sometimes we need several discussions, even over several days or weeks. When both people feel safe enough to keep talking, uncertainty or the discomfort of a conflict becomes easier to tolerate.
3. Being vulnerable with each other
In a conflict, it is more likely for our defensive structures to emerge. We might feel anger or frustration and start seeing ourselves or our point of view as ‘all good’ and the other as ‘all bad’. When this happens, it’s natural to put up walls; but these walls can also become barriers to being understood and validated. Sometimes, conflicts carry deeper emotional meaning. In order to understand and communicate that emotional meaning, we need to look beneath the surface, lower the shield, and speak from our experience. We might recognise that beneath the armour of anger, we feel scared, or that under the frustration of being misunderstood, we feel lonely.
4. Finding a way forward
When we begin to express our vulnerabilities, it’s important that they are acknowledged with care. Sometimes, simply having our experience validated is enough to help us move forward. At other times, we may need to go deeper – asking ourselves whether something old or unresolved is being stirred. Being curious together in this way helps us meet not only the problem at hand, but also our emotional needs.
Conflict resolution then becomes more than just finding a solution – it becomes an opportunity to strengthen connection, build understanding, and trust.
Image Credit: Liza Summer – Pexels
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