• HOME
  • ABOUT
  • THERAPY
    • For Individuals
    • For Couples
  • FAQs
  • ARTICLES
  • BLOG
  • CONTACT

Articles

Online and In-person Couples therapy in Braintree and Colchester.
Couples Therapy in a Nutshell
Online and In-person therapy in Braintree and Colchester
How to Stop Overthinking
Therapy for Anxiety, Depression, Low Self-Esteem | Online & In Braintree and Colchester
Reasons to Go to Therapy

Instagram

cigdemberrettpsychotherapy

✨Helping you build healthier relationships with yourself & others
✨Working with individuals & couples
🌱For couples therapy & psychotherapy, visit ⬇️

In Transactional Analysis (TA), these is a powerfu In Transactional Analysis (TA), these is a powerful concept called drivers (developed by Kahler & Capers in 1974).

In simplified terms, drivers are old messages we received/perceived (from others) when we were younger. 

At some point, following these messages probably helped us; maybe they helped us to feel accepted, cope with difficult situations, or receive praise.

Over time, though, they can start to feel like rigid rules we have to follow.

Drivers are grouped into five, although our ways of coping are much more varied than just these five:

Be perfect
Please others
Try hard
Be strong
Hurry up

These patterns themselves aren't the problem.

Being thoughtful, working hard, staying calm under pressure, aiming high, or getting things done can all be wonderful strengths.

The challenge comes when they stop being choices and start feeling like rigid rules.

The goal isn't to become different people.

It's to keep our strengths while giving ourselves permission to respond with more flexibility, self-compassion, and choice.

Which of these drivers do you recognise most in yourself?🌿

#transactionalanalysis #selfawareness #selfworth #peoplepleasing #perfectionism

***Please take what feels helpful and leave what doesn't. I share these posts for educational and inspirational purposes only. Context always matters. This content is not a substitute for therapy.***
A reminder to slow down and come back to the prese A reminder to slow down and come back to the present moment 🌿

#selfcare #Wellbeing #mentalhealth #mentalhealthmatters

***This content is for inspirational and educational purposes and should not be considered professional advice. ***
You solve problems, remember everything, anticipat You solve problems, remember everything, anticipate needs, and carry the emotional or mental load. 

It comes from a good place. 

You want to help. You want things to go well. 

You want the relationship to feel OK.

But over time, a pattern can develop.

The more one person steps in, the less opportunity the other person has to do the same.

One partner becomes increasingly responsible for the relationship, while the other may begin to rely on that without either of you consciously choosing it.

Eventually, you might find yourself feeling exhausted, resentful, or wondering why everything seems to fall on your shoulders.

If this feels familiar, it might be worth asking yourself:

What feels difficult about stepping back?

For many of us, this pattern began early on. 

We may have learned, long ago, that being helpful kept the peace, earned approval, or made us feel needed and valued.

Sometimes the kindest thing we can do isn't to step in.

It's to trust that the other person is capable, and to trust that we'll be OK if they do things differently from us.

#healthyrelationships
#relationshippatterns
#emotionalsafety
#selfawareness
#relationshiptherapy
I was thinking the other day about how an ordinary I was thinking the other day about how an ordinary room no longer feels ordinary because of all the stories it holds.

This is where I work from, where I have the privilege of walking alongside other human beings as they explore their inner world.

Every person brings something here (metaphorically speaking): their stories, experiences, hopes, and fears. And they leave something behind; perhaps an old narrative, a perspective that no longer fits, or some of the unseen emotional weight they've been carrying for far too long.

Do you have a place that has witnessed your struggles and growth?

#psychotherapy #therapy #counselling #mentalhealth #personalgrowth
Sometimes the intensity of the moment isn't only a Sometimes the intensity of the moment isn't only about what is happening in front of us. It can also be about what the moment reminds us of.

🌿

If, at some point in our lives, conflict meant losing connection, being criticised, walking on eggshells, or feeling responsible for keeping the peace, our nervous system may have learned that arguments need to be resolved immediately for us to feel safe again.

🌿

That doesn't mean we're "too sensitive" or "overreacting." It means our mind and body are trying to protect us in the best way they know how.

🌿

The difficult part is that when everything feels urgent, it becomes hard to tell the difference between what belongs to the present and what belongs to the past.

🌿

The aim isn't to never get triggered.

It's to become more aware of what's happening within us, and meet ourselves and the other person, with that awareness.

🌿

Have you ever noticed this in yourself?

#nervoussystem
#nervoussystemregulation
#emotionalregulation
#relationshippatterns
#selfawareness
A little about me, the work I do, and what you'll A little about me, the work I do, and what you'll find here...

Whether you're new here or you've been following along for a while, I'm glad you're here.🌿

#therapy #couplestherapy #psychotherapy #counselling
Contrary to popular belief, the biggest problem in Contrary to popular belief, the biggest problem in relationships is not always poor communication.

Sometimes that's true.

But sometimes poor communication is actually a symptom rather than the underlying issue.
🌿
When we don't feel emotionally safe with one another, our nervous system naturally tries to protect us. That might look like becoming defensive, shutting down, avoiding difficult conversations, criticising, or finding it hard to be vulnerable.
🌿
In those moments, it's not necessarily that we don't know how to communicate. It may be that we don't feel safe enough to.
🌿
As emotional safety grows, communication often becomes easier. We tend to listen more openly, respond with greater curiosity, and feel more able to share what's really going on for us.

🌿

What helps you feel emotionally safe enough to be open with someone you care about?

***Please take what feels helpful and leave what doesn't. I share these posts for education and inspiration purposes only. Every relationship is unique, and context always matters. This content is not a substitute for therapy.***

#relationship #attachment #therapy #couplescounselling #communication
In many relationships, apologies tend to happen be In many relationships, apologies tend to happen because we want the tension to go away as quickly as possible. 

🌿

Yet repair usually asks for more.

🌿

It asks us to put our own need to be understood on hold for a moment, so we can first understand the experience of the person in front of us.

🌿
It requires us to be willing to acknowledge that our actions had an impact, even if that wasn't our intention.

🌿

From there, repair becomes possible.

What does a meaningful apology look like to you?

#relationships #couplestherapy #psychotherapy #emotionalawareness #howtoapologise
Many recurring arguments aren't simply about the d Many recurring arguments aren't simply about the dishes, money or in-laws.

They're often driven by unmet emotional needs, such as wanting to feel heard, understood, valued or emotionally safe.

🌿

When we feel emotionally threatened, our nervous system can move into survival mode. 

We may become defensive, withdraw, criticise or shut down. 

These protective responses often make sense when we look at our past experiences, but they can also make it difficult to connect with the person in front of us.

🌿

That's why resolving the issue doesn't always stop the argument from returning. If the underlying pattern remains the same, it's easy to find yourselves back in the same place.

🌿

Sometimes, slowing the conversation down and becoming curious about what's happening beneath the surface can be the first step towards changing the pattern.

#couplestherapy #couplescounselling #relationshippatterns #healthyrelationships #emotionalconnection
When our relationship with conflict changes, confl When our relationship with conflict changes, conflict does not suddenly become easy, but it carries a different meaning.

We discover that we can stay connected to ourselves, even when someone disagrees with us.

What is your relationship like with conflict?

#conflictmanagement #transactionalanalysis #relationships #peoplepleasing
Sometimes there's confusion around validation. Wha Sometimes there's confusion around validation. What do we actually validate?

People often wonder: "If I don't agree with my partner, can I still validate them?"

The answer is yes.

Validation isn't about agreeing with someone's perspective or saying they're right. It's about acknowledging that their experience is real, simply because it exists.

We might validate:

🌿 An emotion: "I can see this has really upset you."

🌿 A thought or perspective: "It makes sense that you would think that, given how you understood the situation."

🌿 A goal or desire: "Of course you wanted to feel included." or "It makes sense that you were hoping for that."

Validation communicates: "I can see your experience."

It doesn't mean we have to agree with their interpretation.

It simply acknowledges that, based on their experiences, emotions, and understanding, it makes sense that they feel, think, or want what they do.

When was the last time someone truly acknowledged your experience without trying to change your mind? How did that affect the conversation?

#validation #relationships #emotionallyintelligent #communication #couplestherapy
For many of us, perfectionism developed as a way o For many of us, perfectionism developed as a way of staying safe; by getting things right, being responsible, achieving, or avoiding mistakes.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to do well or taking pride in what we do. 

The difficulty comes when this becomes rigid, when mistakes feel unsafe, when our worth feels tied to getting things right, or when there is little room for ourselves or others to be imperfect.

Here are some of the ways perfectionism may show up in our relationships:

🌿 We may find it hard to relax because we feel responsible for keeping everything together.

🌿 We may put a lot of pressure on ourselves to get things right, and mistakes can feel bigger than they are.

🌿 Sometimes perfectionism turns inward:

“I should have done better.”
“I’m failing.”
“I’m not enough.”

🌿 And sometimes it turns outward:

“Why do I have to be the one who notices everything?”
“Why can’t they do things properly?”

Over time, this can create resentment.

🌿 We may feel like we are carrying too much.

🌿 Our partner may feel criticised or like they can never get anything right.

Underneath perfectionism, there is often a deeper longing: We want to feel accepted and loved as we are.

Therapy can help us understand where these patterns came from and create new ways of relating; to ourselves and to the people we love.

#perfectionism #therapy #relationalpatterns #relationships #mentalhealth
In Transactional Analysis, we often explore the be In Transactional Analysis, we often explore the beliefs and relational patterns we developed early in life. 

These beliefs & patterns can shape how we show up in our adult relationships.

Changing our relational patterns is not something that happens overnight, nor is it a cognitive process alone.

We need to have a different relational experience. We need to experience ourselves differently within a relationship.

Therapy can offer this space; where we can experience being listen to, understood and accepted.

And when we experience this, something can shift.

We may notice that:

✨ We no longer believe that asking for what we need is selfish.

✨ We no longer see our need for closeness and connection as "too much" or "needy."

✨ Our sense of worth no longer depends on how quickly someone replies to our messages.

✨ We can tolerate moments of uncertainty without falling into self-blame.

✨ We no longer need to over-give to feel valued.

If you are feeling stuck right now, I hope this reminds you that change is possible. 🌿

#attachment #emotionalconnection #selfworth #psychotherapy #transactionalanalysis
Communication matters. It really does. But it may Communication matters. It really does.

But it may not be enough to resolve all conflicts in our relationships. Sometimes we may put a lot of pressure on it, with the underlying belief that if we could just communicate well enough, all conflicts would be resolved.

When two people come together, they bring their own histories, values, expectations, personality, and ways of relating.

🌿 Some differences between us may never fully disappear, we may not resolve some conflicts, no matter how well we communicate.

🌿 Maybe a healthier and more achievable goal for communication would be understanding each other’s inner worlds, making space for differences, and finding ways to stay connected when you see things differently.

🌿 Maybe the goal is not to solve the difference. It is to understand it.

🌿 If you would like to explore your relationship patterns and find new ways of connecting, you are welcome to book a free call to see if therapy could be the right support for you. Contact details are in my bio.

#HealthyRelationships #CouplesTherapy #CommunicationInRelationships #EmotionalConnection #RelationshipPatterns
We often hear that walking away during conflict is We often hear that walking away during conflict is unhealthy or it means we are 'avoiding'.

This is not always true.

There are times when staying in the conversation means we're no longer really in the conversation. 

We stop listening. We become focused on defending ourselves or proving our point. Sometimes we even lose sight of what the argument was about in the first place!

In those moments, when we are dysregulated, taking a break can be really healthy. It can be a way of looking after the relationship.

For me, the difference lies in the intention behind it and how it's communicated.

🌿 A break says, "I'm too overwhelmed to have this conversation well right now, but I want to come back to it."

🌿 Stonewalling says, "I'm leaving you to deal with this on your own." 

🌿 One protects the possibility of repair.

🌿 The other leaves both people alone with the rupture.

Many of us didn't grow up seeing conflict handled in a way that felt safe or respectful. 

So it's understandable that we either cling to the conversation or disappear from it. 

This usually tells us something about what we've learned to do when connection feels at risk.

What do you notice yourself doing when conflict arises? 🌿 

#relationshippatterns #attachment #relationships #conflictresolution #psychotherapy
If we learned that feelings are unnecessary, weak, If we learned that feelings are unnecessary, weak, not safe etc., we might explain our feelings instead of experiencing them.

We might say things like 'It's not a big deal' when it is , or 'It doesn't matter' when it does. 

These thoughts may help us avoid discomfort, but they can also take us further away from understanding what we need. 

Psychotherapy and counselling can help you reconnect with your emotional experience and discover what lies beneath the explanations and beliefs that no longer serve you. 

If you'd like support exploring this, feel free to get in touch.🌿

#therapy #psychotherapy #selfawareness #emotionalhealth #peoplepleasing
When couples come to therapy, it's understandable When couples come to therapy, it's understandable that they focus on what's not working in their relationship.

But alongside the challenges, I also look for signs that change may be possible.

Things like:

🌿 a willingness to listen, 
🌿 a willingness to express feelings, 
🌿 a willingness to stay engaged in creating the change you want to see in your relationship, and 
🌿 coming from a perspective of shared responsibility rather than blame.

These things don't guarantee an outcome. But they often create a foundation to build upon.

Which of these feels most important to you?

#relationshiptherapy #couplescounselling #emotionalconnection #psychotherapy #relationshippatterns #emotionalwellbeing
If you could take one thing from this list today, If you could take one thing from this list today, what would it be? 🌿

#relationships #mentalhealth #emotionalwellbeing #selfcare #therapy
Self-doubt can be exhausting; especially if it is Self-doubt can be exhausting; especially if it is constant. We might question ourselves or overthink everything we do or say.

We look for signs that something is wrong (with ourselves).

But when self-doubt becomes an occasional thing, rather than constant, something shifts:

🌿 We become more able to trust ourselves and tolerate uncertainty.

🌿 When someone is upset, we become less likely to make it about ourselves.

🌿 We can receive love, care, and reassurance without immediately questioning it.

🌿 We spend less time analysing and more time being present (responding to here and now) in our relationships.

It doesn't mean self-doubt disappears completely. It just no longer sits in the driver's seat. 🌿

#selfdoubt #psychotherapy #relationships #emotionalwellbeing #relationshippatterns
Sometimes in our relationships, we think we need t Sometimes in our relationships, we think we need to choose one side of the scale.

We might feel that if we love someone, we can’t be angry with them. Or we validate our partner, it means that we need to give up on our own experience.

We might fall into black-and-white thinking, but we need to understand (and remember) that two things can be true at the same time.

🌿 We can be a supportive person and, at the same time, need support.

🌿 We can feel angry with someone, and that person can still be the person we love.

🌿 We can understand someone’s behaviour and where they are coming from, while also have our own feelings about what happened.

🌿 We can feel close to someone and want connection, while also needing space.

Both can be true. Both can be okay.

Relationships become healthier when we allow space for complexity and nuance, rather than feeling we have to choose one side.🌿

If you find yourself stuck in ‘black & white’ thinking in your relationships therapy can help.

#healthyrelationships #peoplepleasing #selfworth #relationshippatterns #emotionalconnection
Follow on Instagram

For more resources or reflections, please visit my blog.

Copyright © 2025 | All Rights Reserved | Cigdem Berrett Counselling & Psychotherapy

 info@cigdemberrett.com | 07745836678  

Privacy Policy