Many couples come to therapy because they feel disconnected from one another.
This can be really puzzling, especially when there is no major crisis in the relationship; no betrayal or no significant conflict.
In fact, couples may describe themselves as functioning quite well together. The children are looked after, and the house runs OK. And yet, something feels missing. They might feel like ‘ships passing in the night’ or more like housemates than partners.
When people think about relationship problems, they often think about conflict. It is easy to assume that if couples could just communicate better or argue less, they would feel closer.
What I often see in my practice, while conflict can certainly contribute to disconnection, the absence of conflict does not automatically create connection.
Why Disconnection Happens
We all know that life gets busy. Work can be demanding. Children need attention. Family responsibilities or other demands of everyday life take priority. We are all familiar with the ‘never-ending to-do lists’.
When life happens, couples start focusing on managing life together, which is understandable. Bills need to be paid, weekly schedules to be managed (school trips, payments for clubs, activities, etc.), and shopping to be done… So the quick conversations start evolving around these topics.
There is nothing wrong with these conversations. They are part of everyday life. The difficulty comes when they become the only conversations.
The relationship then becomes about tasks, roles and responsibilities. Emotional needs take a back seat and disconnection begins to creep in.
Creating More Connection
Connection happens at an emotional level.
It happens when we feel emotionally safe.
It happens in small moments, in big moments, and in the ordinary parts of everyday life. It happens when you feel your partner is genuinely interested in what you are saying, or when you are genuinely interested in what they are saying.
It happens when we acknowledge our partner’s existence, who they are, what they do, and what matters to them.
From a Transactional Analysis perspective, we might think about connection as being built through positive strokes. A stroke is a unit of recognition.
Daily routines such as greeting each other positively, checking in with each other, or offering appreciation are examples of positive strokes. While these moments may seem small, they communicate: ‘I see you. You matter to me.’
Identifying emotional needs
One of the ways that helps couples feel connected is to tune into their emotional needs, individually and as a couple.
What do they need/want more of in their lives, in their relationship?
When do they feel seen?
Do they feel valued? When do they feel valued?
Do they feel like they can express love? How do they express love and affection?
Can they receive affection/compliments/care?
Is there a tension between being their own individual and remaining connected?
Offering recognition
Connection requires recognition.
That is why strokes matter so much in building connection. Through consistent small acts of recognition, by paying attention, listening, and by having an interest in each other’s experiences (feelings, thoughts, dreams, etc.), we start building emotional connection.
Over time, positive strokes help create a culture of appreciation within the relationship. The relationship starts feeling more emotionally safe.
If you have been feeling distant from your partner, it may be worth asking yourself:
When was the last time we checked in with each other?
When was the last time I expressed appreciation?
When was the last time I showed genuine curiosity?
If you would like support in rebuilding connection in your relationship, couples therapy can provide a space to slow down, understand what is getting in the way, and begin finding your way back to one another.
Get in touch for any questions you might have.
Photo Source: Pexels/shvets
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