Self-compassion means being kind to ourselves especially when the going gets tough. It is about relating to ourselves with understanding when we make mistakes or experience shortcomings. According to Prof. Kristin Neff (an educational psychologist and researcher), when we have self-compassion, ‘we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend’. When we lack self-compassion, though, we are often too hard on ourselves. In Transactional Analysis (TA), we call this part of ourselves the Critical Parent. This is the internalised critical voice of our parents or caregivers (or how we experienced them). As we listen to this part of ourselves, we may feel inadequate, not good enough or as if we’re failures.
How we relate to ourselves is often linked to how we experienced relationships early in our lives. For example, as we grew up, if we felt that our experiences were invalidated (i.e. being told not to be silly for being scared or sad), we might have learnt to discount our experience. On the other hand, if we grew up in an environment where we received love, support, and validation, we may have developed a greater sense of self-worth and the way we relate to ourselves would be more compassionate.
So, what helps?
Here are a few steps we can take to pave the way to self-compassion.
Recognising and understanding our critical inner dialogue
What starts it off? Where does it happen? How do we respond to it? The more we acknowledge our thoughts and feelings, the more space we create within ourselves to experience them. As we accept and validate our experience without judging and changing it, we develop/strengthen a nurturing part of ourselves (Nurturing Parent from a TA perspective).
Writing a compassionate letter (expressing empathy and understanding)
Paul Gilbert (a British clinical psychologist) recommends self-compassion exercises such as imagining a compassionate friend speaking with us as well as practising mindfulness. These ideas might not feel natural at first, but it really is about practising to see results.
Paying attention to our needs, wants and boundaries
What do you enjoy? What do you need? What makes you happy? What stresses you out? In our busy lives, we often forget to ask these questions and carve out the time we need.
We can start with setting a regular special time for ourselves. This can be doing yoga, writing in a journal, reading a book, going for a walk, or simply sitting quietly and doing nothing (which is valuable recharging time!). By taking this time we will be reinforcing the belief that ‘we are worthy’.
What other things can we do?
Cultivating self-compassion and changing our relationship with ourselves can be a long process. It requires identifying our patterns of thinking, feelings and behaviour. It also involves exploring our past experiences and how they influenced the way we see things.
Although becoming more self-aware is likely to help create more self-compassion for ourselves, psychotherapy can help us achieve this at a deeper level. According to the existential therapist Irvin Yalom, ‘It is the relationship that heals’. This alludes to the idea that as we are relational beings, our healing also takes place in a relational context which cannot be achieved through self-help alone. Therefore, working with a psychotherapist that we feel safe and comfortable with, is often an important part of developing self-compassion for ourselves.
RESOURCES:
1) https://self-compassion.org/
2) Irvin D. Yalom – Love’s Executioner
3) Eric Berne, Transactional Analysis Psychotherapy
4) Paul Gilbert, The Compassionate Mind
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