Have you ever found yourself wishing your partner would just know what you need—without you having to spell it out?
You hint. You drop clues. Maybe you get quiet.
You think to yourself “If they really care, they would just know” – and when they don’t pick up on it, you’re left feeling let down, maybe even a little resentful.
The truth is, asking directly for what we want can feel incredibly vulnerable. Especially if we are someone who tends to keep the peace, who doesn’t want to come across as “too much” or “needy.”
But here’s the thing – our needs don’t go away just because we don’t voice them. They are still there…
In fact, not asking for what we want often creates more distance in our relationships. We might avoid asking for we want in variety of ways. This can look like:
- Hoping others will mindread and offer help without us needing to say a word
- Feeling hurt when nobody checks in with us, or saying “I’m fine” when we are not
- Going along with something we’re not comfortable with to avoid rocking the boat
If this resonates with you, you’re not alone. Asking for support, reassurance, or space can be very hard for those of us who grew up learning that their needs might be too much for others.
We often learn early on that asking comes with a risk: the risk of being rejected or misunderstood.
It might be that our caregivers were emotionally unavailable or overwhelmed, and we learned to dismiss or downplay our needs so we wouldn’t add to their stress.
It might be that when we reached out for comfort and were met with distance or irritation, we started to believe our needs were too much.
It might be that over time, we picked up the message — spoken or unspoken — that being easy or self-reliant was the best way to stay safe and connected.
So we adapt. We become really good at scanning others’ moods, keeping things running smoothly, and staying one step ahead of conflict. But in doing so, we sometimes lose touch with our own voice.
One way to rebuild this connection — with ourselves and others — is to practice asking clearly and kindly for what we want.
Instead of saying, “Do you want to help me with the tidying?” – which is a request and shifts the expression of ‘want’ to the other, we might try:
“I’d love your help please – it would mean a lot to feel like we’re sharing the load.”
“I’d love to spend some time with you this weekend”
“I’d rather not talk about this right now.”
Asking clearly doesn’t guarantee a yes, but it opens the door to understanding and collaboration, rather than resentment.
If you’re someone who tends to put others first, who finds it hard to say “This is what I’d like,” looking for the small steps can help.
Therapy can also offer you a space to explore these patterns with curiosity and compassion. It’s not about blaming—it’s about understanding where these habits come from and learning new ways of relating that feel more authentic and fulfilling.
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