As the saying goes: ‘We don’t have to set ourselves on fire to keep others warm.’ So true, right?
Yet some of us do this on a regular basis in the name of being ‘easy-going’, ‘low-maintenance’, or ‘helpful’.
Where does people-pleasing come from?
For some, this pattern comes from an underlying belief that connection only happens if we are agreeable, pleasant, or ‘easy-going’. Conscious or unconscious beliefs like:
- Being ‘too much’ will push people away.
- Saying what I think will create conflict.
- Asking for what I need will make me a burden.
These beliefs usually start in childhood and shape our relational roles. We might describe ourselves as people-pleasers in passing, but that’s only part of the story.
That’s the learnt behaviour.
What sits underneath this pattern is far more complex.
It is a relational process we have internalised. It is a gradual erosion of a part of us in the hope that doing so will keep our relationships safe. As a result, we will be safe.
Some of us don’t actually see ourselves as people-pleasers. We see ourselves as conflict-avoidant or helpful. And this is often the case.
But the part that isn’t talked about enough…
When we say, ‘I don’t mind, you decide,’ we may genuinely think we’re being accommodating. But we’re also removing an opportunity for the other person to truly get to know us.
The relationship becomes a bit lopsided.
What I mean is that the other person only gets part of the picture. The moment we stop sharing what we really think or need, we reduce the opportunities for others to actually know us.
They get to know only one part of us; the part we believe is the only acceptable part: the part that is good at adapting.
This, in turn, becomes a bit tricky in relationships, because it’s hard for someone to truly understand us when we’re not giving them anything real to connect to.
Instead of creating closeness, people-pleasing builds a barrier that grows over time. It’s made up of all the things left unsaid.
Every time we push our own needs aside, we also push the other person aside; we metaphorically add another brick in the wall between us and the other.
And these bricks build up slowly.
- One compromise here.
- One swallowed feeling there.
- One ‘it’s fine’ when it isn’t.
- One need we convinced ourselves ‘wasn’t that important anyway’.
- One ‘I don’t want to be a burden.’
And over time:
- We start to disconnect; from ourselves and from others.
- We might no longer know what we want or need.
- We might struggle to make simple decisions.
- We might feel resentful and even lonely as we become disconnected from others.
How do we change this?
Change starts with small, compassionate steps.
No, we don’t need to suddenly become self-focused all the time. The goal is not to swing to the opposite extreme. Social connection is important and sometimes we do need to prioritise others.
However, we also need to make room for ourselves in our relationships in gentle, gradual ways.
A helpful place to begin is with curiosity. We might ask ourselves:
- What emotions come up when I imagine expressing a preference?
- What stories do I tell myself about the consequences of being honest?
- Where did I learn that keeping the peace was more important than sharing my truth?
Over time, we need to learn to become more sensitive to our own internal signals.
We need to start believing that connection happens when we are present, not when we disappear.
The challenge I often see is that we may think this in a cognitive sense, but struggle to feel it.
In other words, embracing this with our heads might be easy, but embracing it with our hearts can take time.
It comes later when we continue showing up:
- With our feelings.
- With our needs.
- With our preferences.
- With our voice.
This might look like:
- Saying what we actually want.
- Allowing ourselves to choose the film or the restaurant.
- Admitting when we are tired.
- Sharing that something didn’t feel good.
- Expressing what’s happening for us before the other person fills the space.
The role of therapy
If you recognise yourself in this pattern, you’re not alone.
Therapy can offer a supportive space for exploration. It can also provide a relationship where your voice is welcomed, your needs matter, and your internal experiences are taken seriously. Over time, this can create a new blueprint and a felt sense that it’s safe to take up space, express your process, and still be connected; a blueprint we can then build on in our everyday life.
Image Credit: Pexels / Polina Zimmerman
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