December 2024
Unhelpful Communication Cycles in Relationships
Our relationships are deeply influenced by our thoughts and beliefs. Often, the way we react to others is shaped more by our subjective interpretation of events than by what's actually happening in the moment. When we feel defensive in our relationships, it's often a sign that we're responding not to the present situation, but to the history we've carried with us. These reactions are built on past experiences, fears, and assumptions, and can keep repeating itself in unhelpful ways.
Our Beliefs About Self, Others, and the World
At the core of our defensive reactions are our self-limiting beliefs - beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world in general. These beliefs are shaped by our past experiences, where our relational needs (attachment needs) were unmet. If we have been hurt or let down in the past, it’s natural to develop a belief that people cannot be trusted, or that we are not worthy of love. These beliefs form the lens through which we view all interactions, especially with our partners.
For example, if we grew up in an environment where love was conditional, we might believe that love is something we must earn rather than something freely given. This belief then influences how we interpret our partner's actions, potentially leading us to feel unworthy or unloved, even when they show affection or offer help. When we interpret our partner’s actions through these beliefs, it becomes harder to see them for who they are in the present—without the filter of our past.
Our Interpretation of Interactions
Our core beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world significantly impact how we interpret interactions with our partners. We tend to filter everything through this lens. We often interpret things that fit within our beliefs, and at the same time, we quickly dismiss information that contradicts them.
For instance, if we believe that people will inevitably let us down, we may interpret our partner’s offers of help as insufficient or insincere, even if they genuinely care. We might think, “They’re only helping because I asked,” or dismiss it as a one-time gesture. On the other hand, if we don’t receive help when we expect it, we might exaggerate that absence, reinforcing the belief that others can’t be relied upon. These patterns of interpretation often go unnoticed, but they reinforce our existing beliefs.
Our Actions
When we find ourselves in a repeated pattern of miscommunication, our actions often reflect our interpretation of the situation. As a result, we might react out of fear (which might look different on the surface for each of us).
For example, if we unconsciously believe that we are unlovable or that we will always be abandoned, we may push our partner away or act distant when they try to get close. We anticipate that they will withdraw or become frustrated, reinforcing our belief that we are not worthy of love or attention. In this way, our actions invite responses that align with our expectations, further validating the story we’ve been telling ourselves about ourselves and our relationships.
Evidence: Reinforcing Our Beliefs
Once our partner reacts in a way that reinforces our belief—whether they withdraw because we’ve pushed them away, or don’t offer help when we feel we need it—we collect this as evidence that our assumptions are true. This reinforces our beliefs, creating a feedback loop and the cycle continues.
In this cycle, we might reinforce the belief that we are all alone, unlovable, or unworthy of care. Even when our partner does show love and support, we might discount those moments or fail to acknowledge them because they don’t fit within the story we’re telling ourselves.
Conclusion
Our unhelpful communication cycles are often unconscious, but recognising them is the first step in breaking the pattern. By becoming aware of our subjective interpretations and the beliefs that drive them, we can start to change the way we respond in relationships. So, we move from 'reacting to the past' to 'responding to the present'.
With time, effort and intention, we can create healthier ways of communicating that is based on the present moment, rather than past relational wounds.
**Please note this article covered only one aspect of why unhelpful communication patterns occur in our relationships. Other factors also play a part such as cultural differences, ongoing mental health issues, economic circumstances etc. **
**The content I share here is for information purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy or mental health advice. Please consider your individual situation and take what is relevant and helpful for you, and leave the rest.**
Acknowledgement:
The content was inspired by the work of Eric Berne, Richard Erskine, Maria Gilbert and Diane Shmukler.
Images:
Timur Weber (Pexels), Andres Ayrton (Pexels)
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