28 January 2024
REFLECTIONS ON SELF-CARE
I have been pondering the idea of 'self-care' lately. It's a term that gets tossed around quite a bit, often carrying a sense of obligation.
We all recognize the importance of self-care and the need to incorporate it into our lives more frequently. However, what isn't discussed as often is precisely what we mean by "self-care" and the practical steps to make it a reality.
The not-so-great news is that self-care varies from person to person; it's not a one-size-fits-all concept. The good news is that we can make it what we want it to be.
Let’s start with some definitions:
The Cambridge dictionary describes self-care as ‘the practice of caring for yourself when you are ill or to stop yourself from becoming ill’ or ‘the practice of doing activities that you enjoy or that are relaxing, especially in order to improve or avoid stress’.
For many, myself included, it brings to mind images of indulgent bubble baths after a long day, skincare routines, vacation getaways, engaging in exercise, and embracing the practice of yoga and meditation. It can be all of those things and more. It is not limited to things we do to maintain our physical well-being.
The truth is, when we are having a bubble bath while simultaneously ruminating about everything that went wrong in our day or berating ourselves for not meeting an idealised fantasy, then our self-care activity may not achieve what we are hoping for.
The way I understand self-care is it is the things we do that are good for our overall well-being. It can be as simple as having a cup of tea while reading or immersing ourselves in an enjoyable activity where we forget how time passes.
What I find useful when I think of self-care is a piece of theory called ‘hungers,’ introduced by Eric Berne in 1964. From a Transactional Analysis point of view, in simple terms, hungers are our psychological needs that we all have throughout our lives.
In a nutshell, the following explains what our ‘psychological hungers’ are and how we can meet them on a daily basis:
Stimulus hunger (the need for stimulation): Engaging in activities that stimulate our mind and body, such as physical exercise, learning a new skill, studying a subject, stretching our minds, or doing something enjoyable.
Structure hunger (the need for predictability): Ensuring that things are predictable in our lives by planning, organizing living spaces, scheduling activities, decluttering, etc.
Recognition hunger (the need for recognition and acceptance): Participating in activities that enhance our social connections, making us feel heard, seen, and valued. This can range from a simple exchange of greetings to receiving praise from colleagues or managers for our hard work.
Back to self-care.
Here are some questions that I believe we can all consider to integrate the concepts of ‘hungers’ and ‘self-care’:
Where do I feel deprived?
What do I need more of?
What do I need less of?
Another question worth reflecting on is:
Am I compensating for any of these needs by over-functioning in another one?
Frequently, when faced with the challenge of fulfilling one of our emotional needs, a common response is to overcompensate in another area.
In her book The Art of Extreme Self-Care, writer Cheryl Richardson says ‘I’ve come to learn that overgiving is often a sign of deprivation - a signal that a need isn’t being met, an emotion isn’t being expressed. Or a void isn’t getting filled’.
Can you relate?
True self-care also includes paying attention to the parts of us that are hidden and want to be seen. It is about recognising and validating the existence and significance of our whole experience.
If you are interested in exploring how therapy can contribute to your self-care journey, please feel free to contact me via email.
Image Credit: Pexels - Anna-Tarazavic, Pexels - Mikhail-Nilov,Pexels - CotonbroStudio